Life on a movie set seen through my lens

For a Belgian girl who once dreamed about being an actress and later about writing screenplays, it was quite surreal to be part of a film crew for the past three weeks.
I was the third AD (Assistant Director) on “Last Night in Suburbia”, how about that? J
Not that my title meant so much in my case. I got voluntarily dropped into a well-oiled machine where everybody seemed to know exactly what they were doing… except for me of course, the newbie. J

But the crew and cast generously adopted me and I was fortunate to experience how all the little teams worked together to create one giant masterpiece called “a movie”.  I walked around with headphones, learned the walkie lingo, travelled actors to the set, held their coats when we were shooting outside, played a back ground nurse  at the beginning of a day and swept a floor ten hours later. I watched the green screen with the producers, cuddled the kids who played their little part in the movie and mastered the art of “sit, wait and hurry”.  That amongst a fan of many other little things that I all deeply enjoyed.

Though about 75 people were moving parts of the same giant puzzle, I was the only one who had the benefit of time on her hand.  Time in which I could absorb how all of the pieces masterfully came together, time to soak in every detail and be in awe by the aliveness on the set. Time to have real conversations with a lot of them. They all taught me tons about this magical world that is anything but ordinary.

I came to see that it takes a special kind of skill set to survive in this world that can be just as mesmerizing and thrilling as it can be stressful and exhausting.  Someone told me that this life chooses you, I think there’s some truth in that. You have to have an extreme willingness to adapt to change every single day, to live without certainty from one job to the next, to work closely together with many different personalities, to know your place in the hierarchy and to act upon that, to be focused for hours in a row… whilst enduring the cold and the rain. Oftentimes you have to be satisfied with way less money than you believe you deserve. Just to name a few things here.

And yet… they all keep coming back.  Those free spirits somehow keep choosing this life. And after my experience, I can see why that might be. There’s so much creative energy flowing on a set that you collectively ride a very appealing energy wave. It’s deliciously intoxicating.
You become a little family when you spend thirteen or more hours a day with one another. Your colleagues become the ones you share your little stories and meals with, the ones who cheer you on and hug you at the end of a marathon day/night. The ones who teach you in every possible way to master relationships, especially when things get challenging.

As it takes a village to raise a kid, it takes a village to create a movie. I have gained so much respect for every single one of them. From the directors to the AD’s, the hair and make-up team, the craft team, the props team, the location manager, the production manager, the stunt coordinator, the actors… The list goes on and on. And on! Post production has only just begun.

Tonight, just before writing this blog entry,  I watched a movie from my couch. And for the first time in my life, I stayed seated for the critics at the end. With a heart overflowing with appreciating and admiration for their work, I sent all of the names on the screen a big, heartfelt” thank you”. Because they might not be aware of it anymore, but movies have the power to give people a soothing break from their own lives and make them feel good for at least a while.
Now ain’t that magical?

The journey continues

About 9 months ago, I sold everything I possessed and followed my heart straight to Vancouver.  Just like that, with no rational reason to back it up. Something in me had been switched on. A new kind of aliveness had been awakened and somehow it took over. That was the starting point for me to live life without a map.  

My journey since then has been tremendously rewarding. It took me to people and places that have inspired my greatest growth as a human being. I’ve experienced magic beyond belief and connections that gave me everlasting goose bumps. I have changed so much because of that, in ways that make me really happy to be “me”.

But growth doesn’t always come the easy way. Being reborn is painful. Very painful at times.  Life has a way of polishing us and it is often beyond comfortable.  It is not so much talked about but I know we all experience it in our own unique ways.

Walking an invisible path and daring to trust that everything unfolds in a perfect way has been very challenging at times. I have often felt utterly lost and completely alone. I still do sometimes. My heart has been cracked open over and over again.  But yet it is the only way of living that still makes sense to me. I can’t even remember doing it any other way. I am fueled by an unexplainable fire within that feeds me glimpses of what life can look like through completely different lenses. I have undeniably felt how nourished one's heart can be when there’s so much more love to feel and freely offer. Thank God Canadians turn out to be wonderful receivers. :-)

The more I listen to people, the more I realize how we’re all in the same boat here. We've all survived spectacular life experiences. We've all become the heroes of our own life’s story, one way or another. And we keep moving forward no matter how cloudy, frustrating, terrifying, lonely or desperate it can be sometimes. We keep finding the courage to start all over again, as often as needed.

Tonight, as I am sitting on the porch with a candle and a cup of tea, my heart goes out to everyone who's finding their way through the darkness. May you all feel held, treasured, valued, supported and carried. May you feel that you really matter.
And may you feel deeply loved. All day, every day.

I bow to all of us!

To the woman in the mirror...

It took me a while to “see” you, but now I do. I really do.
I see your light.
I see your brilliance.
I see your pureness.
You are so beautiful. Stunningly beautiful.

As I stare at you in the mirror, I can’t stop smiling. You make me giggle.
For no reason in particular, you just do.

And so today, I want to celebrate you. I want to celebrate your rollercoaster of a journey.
You made it. You survived every heart break and every breakdown.
Welcome Home now. Welcome Home.

I know how much darkness you have willingly faced and surrendered to for the past months.
I know how challenging it has been for you.
I was there with you when devastation moved through your body like a drunken hurricane.
I was right beside you when you felt so vulnerable, fragile, broken and lonely.
I watched you cry yourself to sleep.
I watched you lying on the floor, paralyzed and terrified because this was beyond your understanding and way beyond your control.
I have felt your pain, every piece of it. I have felt the invisible animals nibbling on your bones. I have felt the unperceivable hand moving your heart a couple of inches to the right while you were wide awake. I have felt every earth quake on a cellular level and every wave of energy that skulked ruthlessly through your veins.
I have felt your despairing thirst for clarity and your hopeless hunger for some kind of relief.

And yet I knew that this was your journey.
All I could do was love you through it, one moment and one breath at the time.

Hereby I acknowledge your impeccable courage, your immaculate strength, your relentless willingness to allow the intolerable to be felt and the unacceptable to be accepted.
I admire the Love that you always showed up with. It was the most gentle cradle in which every shadow was given permission to be born.
I honor your willingness to be the one who loves the most. Your bravery is astonishing.
I prize all the roles that you have played. The ones that you loved equally to the ones that made you feel worthless, ashamed or guilty.

I am deeply moved and touched  by the person you have become as a result of this.
And I am childlike curious to see the next version of who you’ll be.

Never ever have I loved you so much and so unconditionally.
I apologize for the delay. I've been ignorant to who you truly are.

I can’t promise that I will see you in this light every moment of every day.
But what I can promise though, is that I’ll be there for you.
I will be there for you when Life crushes you and rips you apart…
I will be there for you when Life spoils you to pieces…
and everything in between.


That’s how loved and treasured you truly are.

Life in Vancouver - Chapter 5A

I never realized how exhausted I was from ‘being me’…  until ‘Pandora’s emotional  box’ unexpectedly exploded in my face.  Before that I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I had a box like that.  

It was an ordinary Monday when I suddenly started crying in a pretty dramatic and uncontrolled way.  Comparable to a child who just realized that it was left alone on a parking lot… in the middle of the night.  That’s how inconsolable I was.
I remember what triggered me: someone I deeply care about was furious at me. Like ‘out of his mind’ mad at me. At ME!  No one ever openly disliked me, let alone ‘hate’ me, so I had no idea on how to deal with that.  I was brutally electrocuted out of my body and then thrown back in, that’s how it felt to me.

I lost sight of every perspective and got pulled in by waves of sadness. I remember looking at my life and thinking what an incredible mess it was. As a matter of fact, it still is:
For one… I don’t know how to find my place here in this human puzzle.  That’s a big one for me.
Next to that I miss my Belgian life but I feel like I don’t fit in there anymore either. Quite a catch 22 according to my mind.
I am worried because I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life and I am sad because
I basically don’t even know what I want. So how on earth do I figure out what the next step is?
It’s a marriage between desperation and hopelessness with ‘me’ in the middle.
Damn, I am screwed.

It has been the most intense week of my life so far.
As the days slowly passed by, I had become a ghost within my own body. A stranger who didn’t know how to control it. A woman in labor for nights and days in a row, birthing every emotion that you would call ‘dark’ or ‘negative’.  I never knew when or where a wave would hit me. But when it did… I had no other option then to go with it. Every single time. It’s like having the hiccup; you don’t initiate that on command either.

So I’ve been crying in front of acquaintances, housemates and strangers. At home, in the supermarket, on the street and at the beach.  Sometimes accompanied with a trembling lip, a running nose and/or my shoulders moving up and down;  the whole package.  I probably frightened more than one human being and most likely initiated a lot of compassion as well.   It came to a point where I laughed out loud because of how surreal it had become. After all; who does that in public?! But it didn’t matter to me, I was way passed the level of shame. For the first time in my life, I was forced to give myself permission to feel like a mess,  look like a mess  and act like a mess…even in public.     

My body was and is having a hard time dealing with all of this.
Exhaustion is still running through my veins and I’ve had a few days in which I couldn’t even leave the house. My nervous system is constantly in over drive and  I can feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. I also feel my body trembling -almost shaking- on the inside. That freaked me out at first, because I’ve never felt that before. But I’ve become friends with it as the days passed by. I have learned to  surrender completely and I am surrounded by the most amazing people who unconditionally love and assist me through this unexpected experience.

A bigger picture is starting to paint itself within the broken pieces of my innocent heart and I have started writing about it. But I don’t want to fully go there yet. I want to be open for more sadness, desperation, hopelessness, loneliness and whatever else can be felt in a human body. I want to be free to allow every feeling that arises, without the need to push it away, change it, fix it, reframe it or throw a spiritual lighting ball at it. I want to learn everything it has to teach me, no matter where the journey takes me.

I have shared my crash course in self-love with my family and a couple loved ones. At a certain point, I wanted to include them and more importantly… I wanted to introduce them to this new part of me. On my request, no one tried to give me advice or change the way I feel.  I really wanted to milk my own permission to feel as miserable as I could possibly feel and they all respected that. Even better; one by one -without any suggestions from my side-  they all found a way to bring me their unique and unconditional love, tailor made for me. I honestly have never  felt as treasured as during the past week.

Today is day six and I am relaxing into this on every level. My body is starting to feel more at ease, I am regaining my energy bit by bit  and the waves seem to decrease their intensity. I have no idea whether the storm is at its final end, but we’ll see how it goes. I do have a growing curiosity and there’s even some excitement right below the surface. An excitement that wants to write about this.
About the lessons that I discovered along the way and the freedom that came with that.
About how life is teaching me one step at the time how to deal with emotions that terrify me.
About the most beautiful reactions of people who crossed my path the past week and about how my relationship with people has become so much more intimate.
About the bigger picture.
And about how delicious it is to be naked, unarmed and uncensored... both with myself and everyone around me.  

The one reason why I would be a little hesitant to share all of this openly is that I might worry some people that care for me. I feel really uncomfortable when people worry about me, you see. Why? First because I believe everybody has enough on their plate already without me crossing their minds.  And secondly… if people worry about me I then translate that as if they don’t believe that I’m strong enough to handle this and grow from it in my own rhythm and pace.

I know that a lot of people see me as an ever shimmering light. I unknowingly jumped through a lot of hoops to keep that mask firmly glued to my personality.  I am ready to let go of that and to share this with you. So that you know that even “the ever shiny, radiant, incredibly loving Kristien”… can be a tremendous mess on the floor. And if you too ever feel like that, then know that you are not alone. That much I can assure you.

Nevertheless  I wouldn’t change a thing of this incredibly intimate experience where I get to meet and embrace my most innocent and fragile self that has been hiding for so long… even for me.

I welcome her with all my heart.

 

 

 

 

Life in Vancouver - Chapter four

‘Being human’ can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
On some days we should all receive a medal for simply getting get out of bed
or a golden statue for making it through the day.
I too experience it sometimes, 
so I get it.

But then again… there’s also those days
in which I'm blown away
by the opposite side of the scale
where one piece of magic
simultaneously announces the next.

Thursday was one of those days for me.

It all started with… a crocodile.
Half a crocodile to be precise; he was missing a belly.
There was also a dog.
A smiling, jumping dog with big eyes.
They were birthed by clouds,
only meant to live a 'one-minute-life'.
But our eyes had scanned them
and our inner child came alive because of that.
To Mr. Crocodile and Mr. Dog;
your short lived lives were more than meaningful.

We sat on a bench at the park,
when my friend gave me his sunglasses.
They were big and black
with a fancy touch of gold on the side.
I felt like a celebrity.
Me… the Belgian celebrity,
undercover in Vancouver.
I could be that woman!
Correction; I was that woman.
My friend played along with me
and shape shifted into
my own private bodyguard.
He was pure perfection in the Land of Laughter.

We reached a crosswalk
and I caught myself skipping.
I had no idea what hit me,
but apparently ‘it’  had hit my friend as well
as he started dancing while crossing the street.
It was the funniest little dance I’d ever seen.
Hilarious. 

And just when I thought that it couldn’t get any better...
other people got involved.
Lots of other people.
It happened naturally…
almost accidentally.

But willingly and very playfully
we all ripped open our adult skin suits,
and unleashed our inner child.
Boundless freedom erupted in the air.

Laughter got shared
and so called ‘strangers’
became the high light in each other’s day.
All of us were brought together
to carve out that one moment of bliss.
Improvised bliss,
bound to be remembered.

On days like this...
meeting people for the first time
can be a very intimite and memorable experience.

 

 

 

 

Life in Vancouver - Chapter three

Though writing is one of my greatest passions, I haven’t been writing for a while.
I have been busy… walking around in the dungeons of my mind, desperately looking for a torch or a flash light. Life can feel versy dense in the fantasy world of your mind.
At least in my experience…

The topic that kept me living in my mind for a while (start the drumrolls)...is...  ‘a visa’.
You see, Vancouver feels so good to me that I deeply desire to live here for a while. It’s hard to explain, but there’s something in the air that makes me want to stay.

Passion and intuition have brought me from Belgium to Vancouver six weeks ago. It happened almost effortlessly, the pulling was that strong. And so I guessed that the paperwork would be a piece of that same cake. But when life really seemed to start making sense… it changed all the rules…. again!  Damn expectations! ;-)  

This time, my expectations got crippled a couple of weeks ago when I had a rather scary experience at the border. In the flow of that, I didn’t feel safe anymore to speak my most innocent truth.  And suddenly it started to look very complicated to even get the ball rolling. I watched doors closing in front of my eyes and I got sent from one person to the next without making any progress whatsoever.  Anxiety and fear started to creep into my body. I felt big waves of emotions in the chest and pains in my back.  All of that plus the crazy chattering in my own mind, moved me into a time of “deep rest”; I was deeply focused on being still, breathing more profoundly, moving more slowly, consciously shifting my attention from the mind into the heart, mediating, singing, resting, doing pilates, talking walks, riding my bike, trying out my very first kirtan (mmm!)…  
Bottom line; I was having a retreat in my own inner spa while learning to love myself through circumstances that I wanted no part of.   I’ve sent uncountable “I love you’s” to my own heart and after a while I felt a crack in the cocoon. A new version of me was shining through, lighter and brighter than ever before.

‘Laughter’ was the straw that broke the camel’s back. In the midst of having a thirty-minutes-lasting-giggles with a dear friend,  I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to play!
 “Play” is my center.  “Play” is my haven, as it is my heaven on earth.
At that moment of insight, the cocoon said *crack*.
I decided to have fun with this, no matter what! To be able to do that, I had to let go of the attachment to desperately needing to stay in Vancouver. I can just as easily trust that Life will bring me wherever I need to be in order to crack my cocoon and shine at full capacity.  Wow, the freedom that comes with that perspective feels finger licking good!

That being said, it brings me to my brand new approach; I’m going to have some “serious fun” with this visa-adventure! No ‘forced fun’, no fear-based-fun, but genuine, innocent, childlike fun. That’s what feels the most relaxed in my body and what ultimately makes the most sense to me. This means that I’m going to do things that I normally would not do, because I would be too afraid to be rejected.  As I feel the excitement running through my veins, I know that my next steps will be fueled by passion, rooted in love and guided by pure honesty.

Might this be the shift from a game that I cannot win into a game that I cannot lose? 
The ravishing smell of freedom is reaching my nostrils, so who knows...  :-)
(That is of course if I don't need to unravel some more expectations. ;-) )

“If you had nothing to fear
and nothing to lose…
how would you act
and what would you choose?”
(Matt Kahn)

I’ll keep you posted! ;-)

Life in Vancouver - Chapter two

Two weeks. Two weeks  have I lived in Vancouver so far.
On an emotion level, it feels as if two months have passed,  maybe even two years.  
Vancouver and I…  it was love at first sight and it is love at second sight.
I totally blend in here.

Most of the time, it really feels as if I have a life here.
A great life -to be precise- with a past and also a future.
I have my own Canadian phone number and I know my way home from almost anywhere in the city. I know my neighbors by name and I have my favorite market places. I know where all the pots and pans are stored in the kitchen and I know that “Banyen’s Bookstore” had its annual sales this weekend. Even better;  I was there today, all by myself. J
With a few new “Carlos Castaneda’s” in my backpack, I drove home on my bike, without any map or any help from anyone!  “Home”… where there’s people who hug me when I walk into the door.  

I really love being here.
Tasting a new culture opens my eyes in so many  different ways. It enriches me on numerous levels.
I get to grow into a foreign language with ‘daily life’ as my teacher.  I’m getting free classes all day every day. Imagine that!?
I get to see so many different perspectives through the eyes of all the people that I meet.
It already made me more humble and even more curious about ‘life’.
There’s tons of things that I love about Vancouver .
Above all that, there’s so many more adventures yet to be experienced
and so many new friends yet to meet.
What is there not to love?

I realized yesterday how little I had thought about Belgium during the past week. A little shame accompanied that thought. How could I think so seldom about the people that I love so deeply and so dearly?
But then I realized that I had been really ‘present’ the whole time. There was simply no room for other thoughts than the ones that came with the experience at hand.

I am learning to be "present" here, 'cause when my mind starts to travel into the past… I get really confused. Part of me is still attached to my Belgian life and the comfort that comes with that.
For as long as I remember, I’ve been surrounded by a web of love in Belgium and that web has not been spun here yet.  I guess it takes a little time.
And thus whenever I ponder on the acquaintance of "my first home”, I get a little sad.

Those moments are my greatest teachers in disguise. They teach me to shift my focus from the external world to my inner world. And what I discovered there, is that nothing existential has changed one bit;
I’m still there. I’m still there…for “me”. 

I’m still the one who’s listening.
I’m still the one who is aware of everything.
That has never changed.  

Happiness feels the same here in Vancouver
and laughter sounds the same.
Sadness feels just the same here
and tears still taste the same.
Love feels exactly the same here in Vancouver
and it contains just as many colors and flavors.

Bottom line; no matter how different the outside looks,
the inner landscape has stayed intact.

And that makes me throw my hands in the air
while I’m having the ride of my life in Vancouver BC.