When I went to sleep last night, it dawned upon me;
I am where I belong – for now at least.
It was yesterday when the ‘Vancouver-love’ hit me again. I suddenly remembered
why I decided to live here; I reconnected to a stream of life that
goes beyond any words and concepts. It’s a feeling state, it’s a frequency, it’s
a firm knowing that Life has a bigger plan in store for me and that this is it. It’s coming Home in all facets and colors... coming Home to
myself.
I don’t know whether it has to do with Vancouver or with me being ready to
embody this way of living. Maybe it’s this and
that, who knows. It doesn’t even matter.
I simply love who I allow myself to be here; free as a bird, playful as a child
and passionate as if there were only ‘here and now’. Time doesn’t seem to exist
whenever I lock on to that feeling-state. I get completely mesmerized by the
moment and nothing in the world could distract me from being fascinated. It’s a
vibrant stream of excitement that I feel running through my veins, like a lullaby
that sings my mind to sleep and opens the gates of my heart. The pure heart;
naked and unarmed, ready to love at full capacity.
And just like every cloud has a silver lining, every ‘pink cloud’ has a grey lining;
* I have been feeling dizzy for two days while my body took the time to adjust
to this new energy field. I don’t know if today will be less disorienting, we’ll
see. I welcome it all.
* I still wake up a couple times every night, wondering around the house like a
ghost - while trying not to wake up my house mates. I bless Tommy –the black cat-
for being my unconditional companion at night. He purrs, I caress him. That’s
what we silently agreed upon. J
* I sometimes feel so tired during the day that I accidentally stare at people.
Funny moments. J
* The ‘I-don’t-know-what’s-coming-next-stage’ is not always as comfortable for
my mind.
Not at all.
So yeah… there are some inconveniences to turning my life inside out and moving
to Vancouver.
But at the end of every day,
I genuinely smile...
because ‘real’ and ‘surreal’ have once again
blended into one heck of a day,
filled with juicy moments and lots of hugs.
And when I then close my eyes,
I get to see all the faces
of my Belgian friends and family.
I call that moment "my inner bubble bath of love".
It is that exact moment
in which I remember
that ‘Home’ can be literally anywhere.
I am where I belong - Always.
Ten more
days to go before I kiss my Belgian life goodbye and welcome in a brand
new adventure in Vancouver. The questions I’m asked on a daily basis now are
“When are you leaving?” and “What are you going to do there?”. The first
question is clearly answered, the second one comes with an “I have no
idea”. I really don’t. There’s a vague
'plan B’, but ‘plan A’ is to watch this whole adventure unfold before my eyes,
one moment at the time. That’s the life I’m signing up for, that’s the life I
choose to live. And the thing about
‘plan A’ is that it doesn’t come with a sneakpreview.
What I do know is that I fell in love with Vancouver when I was there
in August.
I’ve experienced three weeks of ongoing synchronicities that blew my mind away,
heartfelt conversations that awakened new pieces within myself and a deep
knowing that I wanted to live there for at least a while.
Those three things made my heart sing a melody that I recognized as ‘mine’.
It was the frequency of ‘Home’ and I
just couldn’t resist…
So I took the decision to wrap up my Belgian life and to jump into the complete
unknowing, giving my whole Self a few months to grow into that idea, while letting
go of all the imagined anchors I was still firmly holding on to.
Those who know me well have experienced me being ridiculously excited about many new
ideas and plans, but most of them evaporated just as quickly, while I was
growing from one version of myself into
the next. Nonetheless… when I brought ‘Vancouver’ to the table, they all
knew I was serious.
And they all came on board with me, bringing forth a force I’ve seldom
witnessed.
I was blown away by what people do for one another when ‘love’ is what drives
them.
Thank you so much, all of you. Both the loved ones in Belgium as the
cheerleaders all around the world. A big heartfelt ‘thank you’! I feel truly blessed!
The time has come to end this Belgian chapter, for now at least. And to be honest,
this is one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. When people ask me how I am, I quite often
reply that I don’t know. I literally
don’t. There’s so many feelings at the same time that I often can’t tell
which one is dominating.
My heart has been bleeding a little with every
‘goodbye’ that has been experienced so far and I assume it’s not going to
get easier. The last ones in line are the toughest ones for me.
So yeah, there will be tears. Lots and lots of them! J
This is a time for me in which I’m very focused on going really slowly and
feeling deeply into what I want to do next. I do
realize that I’m disappointing quite a few people along the road by forgetting
to call you back and by saying ‘no thank you’ to many wonderful invitations.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Not even by far. It only means that I’m
getting a fast course in listening very closely to what my
heart wants to do next. And yes, I'm skipping a few goodbyes, that simply feels like the easiest way for me to move forward.
I don’t make any promises to anyone about keeping in touch.
There might be times in which I write you right back and there might come times
in which I keep you waiting. I tend to get mesmerized easily by the life that
is right in front of me.
I can promise though that I will love you from a distance. You can come as you
are and be as you wish, I will love you still the same.
And as ‘writing’ is one of the things I love the most, I’ll probably write a
few blog entries along the way.
Maybe even a lot. We'll see. J
I love you,
Kristien
