Life in Vancouver - Chapter one

When I went to sleep last night, it dawned upon me;
I am where I belong – for now at least.

It was yesterday when the ‘Vancouver-love’ hit me again. I suddenly remembered why I decided to live here; I reconnected to a stream of life that goes beyond any words and concepts. It’s a feeling state, it’s a frequency, it’s a firm knowing that Life has a bigger plan in store for me and that this is it. It’s coming Home in all facets and colors... coming Home to myself.  I don’t know whether it has to do with Vancouver or with me being ready to embody this way of living. Maybe it’s this and that, who knows. It doesn’t even matter.

I simply love who I allow myself to be here; free as a bird, playful as a child and passionate as if there were only ‘here and now’. Time doesn’t seem to exist whenever I lock on to that feeling-state. I get completely mesmerized by the moment and nothing in the world could distract me from being fascinated. It’s a vibrant stream of excitement that I feel running through my veins, like a lullaby that sings my mind to sleep and opens the gates of my heart. The pure heart; naked and unarmed, ready to love at full capacity.

And just like every cloud has a silver lining, every ‘pink cloud’ has a grey lining;
* I have been feeling dizzy for two days while my body took the time to adjust to this new energy field. I don’t know if today will be less disorienting, we’ll see. I welcome it all.
* I still wake up a couple times every night, wondering around the house like a ghost - while trying not to wake up my house mates. I bless Tommy –the black cat- for being my unconditional companion at night. He purrs, I caress him. That’s what we silently agreed upon. J
* I sometimes feel so tired during the day that I accidentally stare at people. Funny moments. J
* The ‘I-don’t-know-what’s-coming-next-stage’ is not always as comfortable for my mind.
Not at all.

So yeah… there are some inconveniences to turning my life inside out and moving to Vancouver.

But at the end of every day,
I genuinely smile...
because ‘real’ and ‘surreal’ have once again
blended into one heck of a day,
filled with juicy moments and lots of hugs.

And when I then close my eyes,
I get to see all the faces
of my Belgian friends and family.
I call that moment "my inner bubble bath of love".
It is that exact moment
in which I remember
that ‘Home’ can be literally anywhere.

I am where I belong -  Always.

Almost ready for my new adventure...

Ten more days to go before I kiss my Belgian life goodbye and welcome in a brand new adventure in Vancouver. The questions I’m asked on a daily basis now are “When are you leaving?” and “What are you going to do there?”. The first question is clearly answered, the second one comes with an “I have no idea”.  I really don’t. There’s a vague 'plan B’, but ‘plan A’ is to watch this whole adventure unfold before my eyes, one moment at the time. That’s the life I’m signing up for, that’s the life I choose to live.  And the thing about ‘plan A’ is that it doesn’t come with a sneakpreview.

What I do know is that I fell in love with Vancouver when I was there in August.
I’ve experienced three weeks of ongoing synchronicities that blew my mind away, heartfelt conversations that awakened new pieces within myself and a deep knowing that I wanted to live there for at least a while.
Those three things made my heart sing a melody that I recognized as ‘mine’.
It was the frequency of ‘Home’ and I just couldn’t resist…
So I took the decision to wrap up my Belgian life and to jump into the complete unknowing, giving my whole Self a few months to grow into that idea, while letting go of all the imagined anchors I was still firmly holding on to.
Those who know me well have experienced me being ridiculously excited about many new ideas and plans, but most of them evaporated just as quickly, while I was growing from one version of myself into  the next. Nonetheless… when I brought ‘Vancouver’ to the table, they all knew I was serious.
And they all came on board with me, bringing forth a force I’ve seldom witnessed.
I was blown away by what people do for one another when ‘love’ is what drives them.
Thank you so much, all of you. Both the loved ones in Belgium as the cheerleaders all around the world. A big heartfelt ‘thank you’! I feel truly blessed!

The time has come to end this Belgian chapter, for now at least. And to be honest, this is one of the most uncomfortable times in my life.  When people ask me how I am, I quite often reply  that I don’t know. I literally don’t. There’s so many feelings at the same time that I often can’t tell which one is dominating. 
My heart has been bleeding a little with every ‘goodbye’ that has been experienced so far and I assume it’s not going to get easier. The last ones in line are the toughest ones for me. 
So yeah, there will be tears. Lots and lots of them! J

This is a time for me in which I’m very focused on going really slowly and feeling deeply into what I want to do next. I do realize that I’m disappointing quite a few people along the road by forgetting to call you back and by saying ‘no thank you’ to many wonderful invitations.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Not even by far. It only means that I’m getting a fast course in listening very closely to what my heart wants to do next. And yes, I'm skipping a few goodbyes, that simply feels like the easiest way for me to move forward.  

I don’t make any promises to anyone about keeping in touch.
There might be times in which I write you right back and there might come times in which I keep you waiting. I tend to get mesmerized easily by the life that is right in front of me.
I can promise though that I will love you from a distance. You can come as you are and be as you wish, I will love you still the same.
And as ‘writing’ is one of the things I love the most, I’ll probably write a few blog entries along the way.

Maybe even a lot. We'll see. J

I love you,

Kristien

A hicking trip within the maze of my mind

What if…
you woke up one day with a severe headache?
As if an army of builders was relentless reconstructing the attic of your brain...and the sound of their smashing hammers was felt on each sides of your head, in a frustrating perfect rhythm.
Would you –just like me- try to get rid of it?

And what if…
you wholeheartedly believed that ‘surrendering’ was the ultimate answer to all of your questions?
If you madly, firmly and deeply believed that all of your -tiny and giant- sufferings, including that headache,  would be instantaneously healed by the magic balsam of your own surrender?
Would you then –just like me- choose the path of surrendering?

And  what would be your approach to this?
Would you try to fight your way into it, making the thoughts you didn’t like,  your worst enemy? 
Would you do everything you possibly could to avoid them ?
Would you yell at them to “just shut up”?
would you eat them away? Drink them away? Smoke them away? Curse them away?
Would you try to bury them underneath layers and layers of ‘better-feeling- thoughts-frosting’?
Would you throw spiritual lighting balls at them, and even hire other people to join you in the fire fight?
Or would you try all of those things... preferably at the same time... like I did/do?

But what if…
you came to the realization that no matter how hard you’ve tried,
how loudly you’ve yelled  and how far you’ve travelled…
you hadn’t progressed one little bit?
Allow me to fill you in on my feeling response to that question; frustration!
 Like ‘out-of-my-mind-frustration'!
I was so extremely frustrated that I gathered my last strength, that tiny bit of energy that was left… and screamed out loud:
“Fucking hell… I don’t know how to surrender to this! Teach me, God damned! Teach me!!”


Unfortunately, I'll have to end this blog entry with some very dissepointing and maybe heartbreaking news;
the teacher has never showed up.
There came no brilliant answer on how to surrender.
All they sent me was one deep, long silence.

But boy... was it delicious! :-)

I welcome you, beautiful fall.

May the magical colors of your falling leaves
reveal a beauty that has seldom being witnessed…
and may your colorful carpet be the dancefloor
for  many human beings.

May the delicious smell of your pouring rains
find its way into many nostrils,
leaving behind the perfume of love…
and may it be recognized by many.

May the chanting wind
blow away all sadness and worries,
only to leave a peaceful tranquility
within every human heart.

Beautiful fall,
remind us to lit the candles
and light the fire on the heart,
so that we can all remember who we really are
all day...every day.
May you remind us in a million ways
of how everything incessantly changes
and how we can be the seer
of all magical ways
in which life expresses itself
through us...
one experience at the time.

I welcome you, beautiful fall.

Remembering how easy it is to feel good.

It’s easy to feel good.
All it takes is one thought…  one single thought.

It’s getting out of bed and remembering
that you’re walking on a mayor globe that’s floating in the air.
No strings attached…literally!
How amazing is that?

It’s watching a bee fly by and remembering the old saying;
'The bumble bee is too heavy to fly, but no-one told the bee'.
How spot on is that?

It’s opening the tab and watching water pouring out of it.
Hot or cold? Pick a choice.
Just like that…

It’s sitting in the sun and feeling how every cell of your being enjoys receiving the warmth.
It’s remembering to breathe and realizing that there’s an unlimited amount of air that you can breathe in, every day, over and over again.
It’s listening to a song and feeling your heart opening so wide that it almost makes you cry.
It’s feeling your own heartbeat and realizing it's not even on your to-do-list!
It’s that one memory that you can’t stop thinking about because it makes you feel soooo alive.
It’s remembering that you’ve made it so far,
though there were times you didn’t see it working out.
You did it anyway…and you always will.
It’s enjoying a beautiful ride in your car and remembering that there was the time it looked so hard to do that!
It’s smiling at a stranger and receiving the most genuine smile back.
It’s seeing an old friend again after what looks like a long time and feeling that same, delicious connection again.

It’s easy to feel good.
All it takes is one thought, one single thought.
And yet the irony is…
that it’s so easy to forget that! :-)

Thank God there’s millions of us,
so that we can remind each other
in all colors of the rainbow.

Red: You’re beautiful!
Orange: No one sees the world through your eyes!
Yellow: No one loves the way you do!
Green: No one feels sadness the way you do!
Blue: No one dreams the dreams you dream!
Indigo:  'All that is' would not be complete without your unique presence!
Violet: You're love incarnate, playing a game of amnesia!

Full Moon - Full Heart

Full moon…
one of my favorite moments every month.

There’s something magical about this beautiful ball of light
that no one needed to turn on
when darkness sneaked in.
It’s one of the gazillion things life  allows us to enjoy freely.
How lucky are we?
I love sitting on my balcony and just gazing at the moon,
watching some planes fly by…
like big, amazing birds of steal.

A few months from now,
I’ll be in the belly of one of those metallic birds,
literally flying into a whole new adventure…
It’s just as exciting as it is scary sometimes.
And sad… when I allow myself to ponder on what I’m leaving behind.

I have a beautiful family who has loved me unconditionally
and supported me every step of my way.
There’s angels in my family
who look after little babies that need special care night and day
or devote their life to taking care of animals that have no home.
There’s heroes in my family,
who are always there when things get messy.
No need for an extra superman when you got a family like mine.
 
There’s a handful of soul friends I would wish for everyone to have.
We’ve shared our souls with each other
and we’d swim through oceans to be with one another…
My friends give hugs that almost make your bones crack
and they all cry out gigantic “Woohoooo’s” when you show up at their doorstep.
They  give you the key to their house so that you can come over any time you want to.
There’s no chance to be lonely when you have friends like mine.

There’s a big amount of friends here who I love to connect with.
We don’t see each other that often…
but when we do…
it looks like no time has passed.
No time at all.
There’s no expectations, there’s just love that binds us.
I feel blessed with friends like these.

There’s a million other things that make my Belgian life so precious.
And yet… I still feel like something else is waiting for me.
So I’ll jump… and I’ll fly away… not knowing when I’ll be back again.

The beauty of knowing that I’ll be gone one day soon…
is that I get to enjoy every piece of deliciousness to the fullest
while I’m still here.
And that makes all the difference between being sad
and being extremely happy and grateful.
It’s just a matter of perspective, of focus I guess…
and especially
of remembering that I am surrounded by human diamonds.

When life gets really busy
it’s easy to take everything for granted
and to assume we’ll wake up again tomorrow
having the same wonderful people in our lives.

Full moon…
one of my favorite moments every month.
In some magical way…
it reminds me to stand still,
to quiet my mind
and to remember the love I feel
for the people that make my life so extraordinary.

Belgian beauties, I love you all…

Vanvouver Angel five... For Kristien with love.

Today was just “one of those days”.  Sigh.
You know…
a foggy day, a confusing day, a sad day, a tiring day…
All at once and at full speed!
I call those days my A.P.-days;
Automatic Pilot-days.

No inspiration on what to do or where to go.
No bubbly feelings from within.
No euphoric laughter.
No ecstatic joy.
Only a vague sense of being lost
and craving something
that can’t seem to be found.

I used to have quite a lot of these days
but even though I feel experienced in having them,
I never really learned how to deal with them.
I guess I never realized
there was a valuable lesson to be learned.
But I realized it today…
and because I didn’t want to spend
the rest of my life trying to avoid these heavier days…
this Student felt ready to learn from the Master.

It was a “teach-me-how-to-love-something-day”…
Because if I can’t love something (anything!)
I simply feel incomplete.

I tried to love the day,
but that looked like too much of a challenge.
I tried to love the environment,
but I got too distracted by my own thought trains.
I tried to love the people I met,
but caught myself staring at the ground most of the time.

I tried and I tried.
I failed just as many times.

I guess that’s  the thing about love;
love doesn’t try…
love simply loves.
So was there anything –anything at all- that I could love effortlessly today?

Yes. There was.

There was simply me… loving me,
no matter who this “me” turned out to be today.
I was being my own best friend,
by loving whatever arose from deep within myself.
Without judging or labeling it.
Without trying to change it,
ignore it
or push it away.

Instead embracing everything  unconditionally
like little children who were begging
for me to love them.

And so I did.
I loved my sadness as only I could love it.
I loved my confusion as I have never loved it before.
I cried  my tears as only I could cry them
and loved myself while doing it.

It was a big day.
I found the next angel in line for me to love…
and it turned out to be me today.

Today was not a P.A. -day.
Today was an A.P. -day:
A Personal Angel -day.

How. I. Loved. This. Day.